remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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