just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
