my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
