My liver just broke up with me...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
