How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
