I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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