He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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