I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i think we sleep fucked last night...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
