turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
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