Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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