Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
