I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
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These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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