You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
