Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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