At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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