sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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