made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
