i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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