What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
50% drunk capacity currently
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
