I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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