I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
