I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
