her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
vagina is talking i cant
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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