considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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