I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
