I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
