Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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