OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
