dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
