White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
