He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
