i think my tv is drunk
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
