The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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