We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
