you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
