The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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