I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize