so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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