last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
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