i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
