So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
