Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
