So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
