mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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