Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
