i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
