Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
