My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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