how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
