bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
