so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
