Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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