I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
