Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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