her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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