Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
