pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
