Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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