Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
