Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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