i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
